My Safety Net – Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 (NIV)
At 10 o’clock on Saturday morning, the noisy siren blasted throughout the campus of the boarding school. It was morning break for the staff of missionaries and Nigerians working in the kitchen and around the grounds.
“Candy Line! It’s time for the Candy Line!” Children called to each other from all four corners of the school playground repeating the happy announcement. All week, I had looked forward to this exciting treat. In our first-grade classroom, in the dormitory, and at mealtimes, the teachers and older kids explained how each first-through-sixth grader got candy on Saturdays.
Sheena and I raced across the playground. Just past the gigantic mango tree, its broad arms offering welcome shade from the hot sun, we stopped short. We joined the line of several dozen excited youngsters that ended at a square folding table in front of the Tuck Shop.
A dorm auntie in a light, cotton dress and an uncle in a short-sleeved shirt sat at the table. Their hands hovered over two large piles of wrapped candy as they dished out four pieces to each child. When I got to the front of the line, the adults handed me three little toffees and one lemon sucker. My heart sank. Not those! I thought. I only like chocolate candy.
Looking for Help
Glancing up, I frowned. The Tuck Shop door behind the table was open, and I caught a glimpse of the special candy that Mommy bought me each time we drove to the big city. Stacked in a box on the nearest shelf were tubes of British Smarties®!
Those chocolate gems were like America M&Ms®, but here in Nigeria we had British candy. These tasted even better than M&Ms®, because the crisp, sugar coating had fruity flavors, and they came packaged in a long cardboard tube with a bright-colored plastic cap.
“Can I trade these for Smarties®?” I looked pleadingly up at the uncle.
“This is all the candy we have for little kids. You take what you get. Only staff and junior highers can buy things from the Tuck Shop.”
Dropping the candy on the edge of the table, I ran back to the dormitory and threw myself across my bed. In that quiet refuge, my hot tears fell onto the bedspread. All week long I had looked forward to the Candy Line anticipating chocolate, but now I felt a crushing disappointment.
Just then, a Big Sister walked past my door and poked her head through the opening. “Why aren’t you outside? You’d better run out to the playground before you get into trouble!” she commanded.
Wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, I heaved myself off the bed. “Okay! Okay!” My throat felt scratchy, as if I had swallowed a scouring pad. Dragging my leaden feet across the floor, I turned left down the hall, then glanced into my friend Sheena’s room.
I stepped in, drawn to the pretty dresser tops. Each was covered with many nicer things than in my room. My eyes roved over luxurious-looking lotion bottles, lip gloss, a gold-framed mirror, and even a miniature ceramic puppy. Off to one side, obviously left by accident, was a packet of the candy. Someone here had Smarties®!
Crossing the Line
This is real candy! Quickly popping open the lid, I poured a bunch into my palm, and returned the tube to the dresser. As I turned around and started toward the door, another little girl, brown hair in pigtails, appeared in the doorway. Shoving my hands behind me, I grinned widely, trying to look innocent.
“Are you snooping in our room?” she asked me. “What’s in your hands behind your back?”
My pulse sped up and my stomach clenched with fear. I got caught! I’m in big trouble! Slowly I pulled my right hand around and forward. Turning it over, I opened my clenched fist.
She peered into my palm and huffed. “A safety pin?! Is that yours?”
I nodded. Just by luck, I had been holding a gold safety pin. Quickly shifting the candy to my left hand, I showed her the pin. Then I waited for her to ask to see the other hand. For some reason, she never did.
Finally, she said, “Okay. But you have to get out now!”
I waved. “Good-bye!” Then I scuttled into the hallway, out the front doors, and down the steps to the safety of the playground. My eyes squinted in the bright sunlight as I stuffed the stolen treat into my mouth. Mmmm! The sugar-coated, chocolate pieces tasted sweet as I savored them on my tongue. Too soon they melted and were gone.
My tummy felt tight all the way up until lunch time. Then at the table, I just picked at the roast beef, mashed potatoes and peas, pushing them around my plate, hoping they would disappear.
I knew I’d done wrong. But I didn’t want to confess because I was too afraid of getting into trouble.
Looking Back
My first year at boarding school was bewildering. Besides the heavy weight of homesickness, the next hardest aspect of life at Kent Academy, was that I didn’t have an adult with whom to discuss each day’s events. As a six-year-old, I needed a safe person to help me process weighty emotions such as disappointment, temptation, and a guilty conscience. I felt like I was paddling a two-man kayak down a swift, winding, rocky river by myself.
The junior high boys and girls helped look after the younger kids. However, they had their own rapids to navigate.
I began to fear getting into trouble and started to lie, or hide the truth, in order to avoid punishment. Pretense became my safety net. When I couldn’t be good enough, I could cover up my failings and try to look good.
What I Know Now
During those tumultuous first months, I believe God was guiding, comforting, and protecting me. I didn’t always feel him near, hear his voice, or know he was thinking of me. Yet often at night as I lay awake after lights out, I poured out my troubles to him. I learned how to go to God and others, seeking guidance, assistance, or forgiveness.
Over the years, I encountered many more periods of confusion and change, but I discovered that God showed up to help me in each one. He truly is close to the brokenhearted.
Link It to Your Life:
Was there a time when you felt confused about your circumstances? How have you seen God protecting, guiding, or comforting you throughout your life?
Father, thank you that I can always find safety in you, especially when everything in me and around me is in turmoil.
14 thoughts on “My Safety Net – Psalm 34:18”
Thank you for sharing your story. As an MK who was sent away to school at age 8, I can relate. I vividly recall the anguish of being so far from anyone who loved me. Not wanting to hurt my parent’s ministry, but feeling so miserable, I began to plan my own death. I knew if I ran outside at night, the leopards that roamed outside our windows would end my misery. I did not know how to appropriate God’s promises, yet, but now I know He kept me from self destruction. Some books that have helped me understand the emotional scars are: Letters Never Sent by Ruth Van Reken, Too Small to Ignore by Wes Stafford, and Third Culture Kids.
Marvae, I sure appreciate you sharing your experience. How terrible to have to contemplate ending your own life! But one of my brothers did too. I am glad God somehow preserved you. I’ve read Letters Never Sent and Third Culture Kids. Thanks for recommending those books. I’ll have to read Too Small to Ignore. Thanks for sharing your story with me.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve blocked most of my early boarding school experiences.
Edith, that’s interesting how you’ve blocked out most of the early boarding school memories. That tells me they were traumatic for you, and that makes me so sad for the little girl were. I’d love to hear the stories of the times you do remember. Were they sad or happy?
Grant Jones Phd ( on Facebook) is a Christian counselor, a former MK and attended boarding school. He holds seminars for MKs in various countries as well as counsels. You might consider contacting Grant for help in working through griefs suffered having to attend boarding school. I know him personally. He is a wise, caring person – great guy.
Ruth Collins. – former MK
Thank you, Ruth, for sharing this about Grant Jones Phd. I saw him at the Dallas Reunion last month! It was a coincidence that my brother, also named Grant Jones, was there too. It’s wonderful to know that he is able to help so many. He might be a good keynote speaker for our next Hillcrest/KA reunion in 2021.
As Debbie’s mom, I am encouraging her to continue to express her feelings even though it makes me sad that I did not know what was going on in her life at boarding school. Debbie’s stories are true, well written and make even her mother reflect on experiences long ago in my own life when I realize God was there to help me.
Thank you so much mom for encouraging me to write about these difficult experiences. God is bringing healing with each story I write. The way you show me your warm love and affection now, more than makes up for those difficult childhood days. Love you lots!
HI Debbie, this story really brought back a lot of feelings for me. Your description about lying, hiding and pretending in order to avoid punishment was so true, and I think we also did those things to save face with our classmates and roommates. For anyone who didn’t go to boarding school, imagine the strength of peer pressure when you live with your peers 24 hours a day, never being able to get away and get the perspective of parents or other family members. A lot of the other students weren’t exactly kind, either. I know looking back on the experience, it is easy to see how God was protecting us, but at the time it did not seem that way at all. Also, it seems like we were taught that if we did something wrong God would be angry with us, so it was very difficult to turn to Him for help if we had a guilty conscience – and there were always plenty of reasons to have a guilty conscience! I really feel like I have spent a good bit of my life trying to unlearn stuff from KA.
Elizabeth, I love what you have expressed here. You’ve reminded me how important it was to save face, because of the depth of peer pressure we lived under. That is a topic I need to explore more. Now I’m thinking I should add plagiarism to my list of lying, hiding, and pretending … and copy some of your wisdom into my next blog post! Thanks for your undying friendship.
I absolutely love this post. It’s so brave of you to go back and look at how behavior trends get started, to process the hows and whys, and to reframe it from a new perspective. We can all find comfort and courage in your example.
Wendy, you have been such a wonderful friend and therapist lol. All the edits you offered on this story were so valuable, as you kept pulling me back to the emotions as well as underlying tensions that I needed to explore. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I love your writing so much, Debbie! I really ache for the little girl you were, longing to pick her up and love on her, comfort her. BUT, I also praise God and rejoice for the woman He has grown you into, and the special perspective you have to relate to kids with similar childhood trauma and insecurity. God bless you for sharing!! ❤️😘🙏🏼
Jenn, I am so grateful for your friendship, and for the comfort you have just offered me! I can feel the love … which I was sorely lacking then. But God has more than made it up to me through my husband, my kids, and fabulous friends at CV First.