Sitting in a women’s Bible study, I looked around the circle at the smiling faces. Am I the only one who has trouble with forgiveness? I wondered.

As a six-year-old, my heart shattered when I was sent to boarding school for several years. When I returned home for vacation, I couldn’t express to my parents the homesickness, rejection, and abandonment I experienced. I felt hurt and angry. The many instances of abuse I saw from people who were supposed to represent God confused and alienated me. Because I didn’t always get compassion from my parents, those wounds compounded.

An older woman in the Bible study told me I needed to forgive both my mom and my dorm moms. But when she asked me to forgive, I bristled, feeling unloved, like my experiences and emotions weren’t valid. I couldn’t excuse the mission board, the school staff, or my parents for my childhood filled with loneliness and neglect. My brain said they did the best they could, but my soul still cried out for justice.

A few years later, two of my friends recommended a book called Developing a Lifestyle of Forgiveness by Steve Diehl. I began meeting with them and going through the workbook.

The author explained we are all wounded and broken because of sin. He said we need to forgive the people who hurt us in order to receive God’s healing and peace. But I still thought, If I forgive them, they get away with what they did. I felt like they should have to pay for my pain. Or at least pay for my therapy bills!

God Validates My Pain

As I worked through the exercises, I came to discover God hated the sins committed against me. He cried with me. He wasn’t asking me to ignore my emotions. God was asking me to join my emotions with His! This was tremendously validating.

The author said my heart’s cry for justice was from God. God’s justice required payment for each and every sin. Looking back on my childhood, I had held onto the belief that someone needed to be punished for my pain. As I studied through the book, I realized someone was punished. Jesus Christ voluntarily paid the death penalty for abuses others had done to me. A light bulb switched on in my head, and I said, “Ahhh. Here is justice.”

I don’t need to drum up feelings of forgiveness. I don’t have to like the people who hurt me. They don’t have to apologize in just the right way or somehow magically repay me for all the lost years. It’s simply a fact; the penalty for their sins has been forgiven by God because of the physical execution of Jesus Christ. I don’t have to make forgiveness happen because it’s something God has already done. The only action I need to take is to believe the death of Jesus for their sins against me was enough. It almost sounded too simple.

Then the author spoke about the differences between the penalty for sins and the consequences of sins. It was helpful to learn that dealing with the natural consequences involves a completely separate side of forgiveness. I had to peel away the layers of a lifetime of preconceptions and realize I always had a choice whether or not to restore the relationship.

I had to peel away the layers of a lifetime of preconceptions and realize I always had a choice whether or not to restore the relationship. Click To Tweet

There are Two Sides to Forgiveness

I finally understood I can forgive the guilty party of the penalty while at the same time recognize forgiving the penalty doesn’t restore my relationship with them. Christ’s death paid for their penalty but didn’t erase the natural consequences. Reconciling a relationship with someone who has hurt me is based entirely on the level of their repentance toward me.

If someone admits wrongdoing and is truly repentant, I can begin the second side of forgiveness, to forgive that person of the consequences of the sin. If the person doesn’t admit or repent, I do not have to offer this side of forgiveness, especially if the hurt and sin continue. Instead, I may need to increase the consequences, so the person doesn’t continue to harm me or others.

Throughout my life, I’ve heard of many ways to forgive. But this experience has opened me up to a whole new way of dealing with past sins done to me as well as sins I’ve done. I’m learning how to forgive the penalty for people’s sins because Christ already paid the price. And I’m learning how to forgive the consequences of people’s sins when they repent.

I still have more forgiveness to practice. It’s about developing a lifestyle of understanding God’s emotions, receiving his deep love, and healing through His surprisingly simple plan of forgiveness.

Acknowledgments:

I’d like to say a huge “thank you” to my friends and family, editors, and walking partners who patiently listened and offered their empathy and insights while I sorted through these concepts.

I greatly appreciate all the guidance Steve Diehl gave me at the BASS conference, on the phone, and while editing this version of my story.

A big hug goes to my late-night editors, Jeanette and Lenora. Your insights helped me crystallize what I was attempting to convey in this post.

And a very special thank you to my mom who courageously encouraged me to share my heart with her these past two years and to now share this with you.

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To find out more of my background, go to my About page here.